What to Do If Your Child Is Being Bullied: A Parent's Plan

Anthony Codispoti ·

5 min read ·

Jul 14, 2026

When your child tells you they’re being bullied, the first few minutes matter more than any plan you make afterward. How you react decides whether they keep talking to you. If you’re a parent asking what to do when your child is being bullied, start here: stay calm, get the facts, bring in the school, and give your child real skills to use. This is the same approach we teach families in our Bully Proof course in Shrewsbury, NJ.

A young student in the dojo while Shihan Anthony Codispoti coaches.

Step one: listen without judging

Your child took a risk telling you. Honor it.

Stay calm on the outside, even if you’re furious inside. A child who sees a parent explode may stop sharing.
Let them tell it their way. Ask open questions. What happened? Where were you? Who else was there? What did they say?
Don’t judge how they handled it. Maybe they froze, or maybe they shoved back. Kids cope with stress the best way they know how. The goal right now is trust, not a critique.
Write it down. Dates, places, names, what was said or done. You’ll want specifics when you talk to the school.
Make “no secrets” a family rule. If anyone tells your child to keep something from you, they should come tell you right away.

Then tell your child the most important thing: it isn’t their fault. Bullies tend to look for kids who seem like easy targets, but sometimes a child gets picked on simply for being different, smart, or popular.

Step two: bring in the school

If the bullying is happening at school, inform the school administration. This is not overreacting. It’s how you build a plan together with the people who are there all day.

It does two things. It reassures your child that the adults around them are paying attention. And it puts the teachers and principal on notice, which helps them assess the right action should physical defense ever become necessary.

Know your school’s fighting policy. Many public and private schools have a zero-tolerance rule, which means both children get punished in any physical altercation, no matter who started it. That can be very unfair to a child who was bullied and finally fought back. It’s also the strongest argument for teaching non-physical skills first. Rules on physical defense vary by state and by district, so learn your local law and your school’s policy.

Follow up. One meeting is a start, not a solution. Check in with your child, and with the school, until things have actually changed.

Step three: give your child skills, not just sympathy

Sympathy helps your child feel better tonight. Skills help them tomorrow at recess. These come straight from our Bully Proof homework, and you can practice every one of them in your living room.

Stand assertive. We teach kids three ways to respond: passive, aggressive, and assertive. Passive kids shrink, aggressive kids blow up, and both are reacting to fear. Assertive means standing tall, eye contact, and a clear voice. The full breakdown is in Confident Kids at The Phoenix Way.

Keep your distance. At least 2 footsteps from a bully.

Use the words. “Back away, you are too close.” It tells the other child what you want and sets a firm boundary. Practice it until it comes out strong and steady.

Breathe. Fear is okay. When your child feels threatened, they take 3 deep breaths so they can respond in a controlled way instead of freezing.

Stick together. There’s safety in numbers. Encourage your child to stay near friends, watch out for each other, and report anything strange to a parent, teacher, or principal.

Know when it’s okay to hurt someone. Many kids have no framework for this, and what they pick up from games and movies is usually wrong. Talk it through. Someone takes your favorite pencil? No. Your sibling takes the last cookie? No. Someone is trying to hurt you or take you away from your family? Yes.

These verbal skills are the kid-sized version of what adults learn in verbal de-escalation. Words first, distance always, and physical defense only as a last resort.

When to get more help

If the bullying is physical, keeps going after the school is involved, or is clearly wearing your child down, push harder. Ask for another meeting. Get other trusted adults involved. Bullying that isn’t handled well can hurt a child’s self-esteem for years.

The good news is the flip side. When a child learns to handle these moments assertively, it carries over into the rest of their life in powerful ways.

Our Bully Proof course is a 1.5-hour assertiveness and anti-bully class built for exactly this. It covers playground altercations, name-calling and teasing, protecting personal space and possessions, setting boundaries against inappropriate touch, and how not to start a fight. Kids practice the skills out loud, with instructors, until they stick.

Questions

What should I do first if my child says they’re being bullied?

Stay calm and listen. Let your child tell the story their way, ask open questions, and write down the details. Tell them it isn’t their fault, then contact the school administration.

Should my child fight back if they’re bullied?

Non-physical skills come first: distance, a firm voice, three deep breaths, and telling an adult. Many schools punish both children under zero-tolerance rules, even the one who was bullied. Physical defense is a last resort for when someone is trying to hurt them.

Can a martial arts class help a bullied child?

It can give a child the skills and confidence to respond assertively instead of passively or aggressively. Our Bully Proof course teaches boundaries, verbal commands, and how to avoid starting a fight. It works best alongside a parent who is involved and a school that knows what’s happening.