Confident Kids at The Phoenix Way: Passive, Aggressive, or Assertive?

Anthony Codispoti ·

5 min read ·

Oct 6, 2026

A child who is being picked on rarely says so in one clean sentence. It comes out in pieces, on the ride home or at bedtime, or in a sudden reluctance to go to school. Good anti-bullying for kids starts well before anything gets physical. It starts with how a child carries themselves, how close they let someone get, and what they say when it counts. What follows is the homework we give families in our Bully Proof course here in Shrewsbury, refreshed. It works best when parent and child read it together, because it tells your child you are invested in their safety and happiness.

Passive, aggressive, assertive

In FAST Bully Defense we use the same passive, aggressive, and assertive model many school health classes teach. First we look at the two styles that don’t work. Then we drill the one that does, for the rest of the course.

Passive often looks like slumped posture, little eye contact, and a quiet, meek voice. A passive child lets people get too close, doesn’t stand up for themselves, and is easily intimidated.

Aggressive looks like a short fuse. Talking back, playing rough, getting in other people’s space, a tight face, clenched fists, a loud and abrasive voice.

Most kids lean toward one or the other, and both can cause real trouble when a bully shows up. Here is the key point. Both styles are reactions to fear. The passive child lets fear shrink them; the aggressive child lets fear puff them up. Either way, fear is in control.

Assertive is the middle ground. Standing tall, looking the other person in the eye, speaking in a clear and steady voice. From there a child has a lot of choices. That is where we want them to live.

A note for parents. Don’t be judgmental if you see passive or aggressive habits in your child. We all develop ways of coping with stress, and kids are doing the best they know how. Be supportive and positive while you work on it together. Bullies tend to look for cues that someone will be an easy target, but that isn’t absolute. Sometimes a child gets picked on simply for being different, smart, or popular. That is never the child’s fault.

Distance and the words that work

Proper distance from a bully: at least 2 footsteps. Show your child what that looks like. Stand two steps apart in the kitchen and let them feel it.

The verbal command: “Back away, you are too close.” It tells the other child exactly what you want and sets a clear, firm boundary. Said with assertive force, it has a strong effect on most bullies.

Can a small kid back off a bigger one? Often, yes. Think of a cat cornered by a big dog. When the cat really fires up, back raised and hissing, the dog usually leaves.

Practice it at home:

Stand facing each other, about 2 footsteps apart.
The parent steps in too close.
Your child plants their feet, stands tall, looks you in the eye, and says, “Back away, you are too close.”
Repeat until the voice is strong and steady, not shouted and not mumbled.
Switch roles so your child feels what it’s like to hear it.

Fear is okay

Dealing with a bully is scary, even in a low-level situation where it’s only words. That’s normal. The sooner a child accepts the fear instead of hiding from it, the better they can deal with it when it shows up.

The tool we teach is simple. When you feel threatened, quickly take 3 deep breaths. It takes the edge off the stress so your child can respond in a cool, controlled way instead of freezing or blowing up. The same advice works for adults, and we go deeper on what happens in the body in our piece on fear, freeze, and the adrenaline dump.

Zero tolerance, and why you should tell the school

Many public and private schools have a zero-tolerance rule on fighting. Both kids get punished in any physical altercation. It’s understandable, but it can be very unfair to a child who was being bullied and finally fought back. That’s exactly why we give kids non-physical skills first. Distance, voice, and breathing can stop most situations before they turn physical. Rules on physical defense vary by state and by school, so know your local law and your district’s policy.

If your child is being bullied at school, inform the school administration. Together you can develop a plan. It reassures your child, and it helps the teachers and principal assess the right action should physical defense ever become necessary. For the full step-by-step, read what to do if your child is being bullied. The original version of this sheet also covered getting lost and family passwords. That section now lives in our family safety plan.

Bullying that isn’t handled well can hurt a child’s self-esteem for years. The flip side is the reason we teach this. When a child learns to handle these moments assertively, it carries into the rest of their life. And these same concepts work very well for adults.

Questions

How can I tell if my child is passive or aggressive?

Watch posture, eye contact, and voice. Slumped shoulders, a quiet voice, and letting others crowd them lean passive, while quick anger, rough play, and crowding others lean aggressive. Neither is a character flaw. Both are fear responses, and both can be trained toward assertive.

What should my child say to a bully?

We teach one clear command: “Back away, you are too close.” It tells the other child exactly what your child wants and sets a firm boundary. Practice it at home from at least 2 footsteps away, in a strong, steady voice.

Should my child fight back against a bully?

Non-physical skills come first, especially because many schools punish both children under zero-tolerance rules. Distance, a firm voice, three deep breaths, and telling an adult handle most situations. Our Bully Proof course also covers appropriate defense and how not to start a fight, for the rare time it goes further.